Columns published in the Cleveland Scene

By Erin O'Brien



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Goodbye Guido, Hello Clevo

Hey MTV, have we got a show for you.

Published February 3, 2010






Potato pancakes for your drunk friends.

Published June 24, 2009





Mow Right Woman, Mow Right Man

Push it real good.

Published June 3, 2009





A Conservative Eulogy

For the right wing, it's mourning in America.

Published May 6, 2009





A Hard Cell

What's the texting abbreviation for 'I don't get cell phones'?

Published April 8, 2009





There's No Whining in Cleveland

Surviving the Great Recession is all about attitude. And wine by the jug.

Published March 11, 2009





Model Citizen

Dress-up for big girls.

Published February 11, 2009





Rules That Matter

Call them New Year's resolutions if you like; just vow to live by 'em.

Published December 31, 2008





Car Talk

You never heard of rainar?

Published December 10, 2008





The Calling

Obama is my candidate because he follows his heart.

Published October 22, 2008




Letter: published November 5, 2008.



Uncommon Sense

Suggestions for the next President of the United States.

Published September 24, 2008




Letter: published October 1, 2008.



The Conception of Slavery

Sarah Palin does not believe in the power of women, but in power over women.

Published September 10, 2008




Letters: published September 17, 2008 and October 1, 2008.



The Reluctant Mousketeer

Ambivalence over visiting the Happiest Place on Earth.

Published August 20, 2008





A God Among Men

Cleveland's Thinker endures.

Published July 30, 2008




Letters: published August 13, 2008.



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Columns published in the Cleveland Free Times

By Erin O'Brien September 2006 - July 2008

For electronic copies of any of these stories or letters, contact Erin O'Brien directly.


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Fry, Baby

How to make your own American masterpiece. Try not to screw it up.

Published July 9, 2008



The Madonna Five

Admit it, you love her too.

Published June 11, 2008



Letter: published June 18, 2008.



Civic Pride in Unlikely Places

A small victory in the fight against Clevelandism.

Published May 28, 2008



Letters: published June 11, 2008.



GoodFellas Redux

If you think mobsters are cool, you probably never met any.

Published May 14, 2008



Do You Take This Man?

Because you can't bring him back, even with a receipt.

Published April 23, 2008



Goats Do Roam

And Jelly Bellies are a menace.

Published April 2, 2008



Letter: published April 9, 2008.




My slumgullion vs. Hamburger Helper: whose cuisine reigns supreme?

Published March 19, 2008



Beer by any Bloody Name

Sing a song of six packs.

Published March 5, 2008



Drinking Responsibly

I'm a slave to the most vile liquid concoction ever.

Published February 20, 2008



Letters: published February 27, 2008 and March 5, 2008.



The Way You Move

Finding sexy in the most unexpected places.

Published February 6, 2008



Yeah, Right.

Advice for would-be scribes: they don't call it a "submission" for nothing.

Published January 16, 2007




Or, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Published January 2, 2008



Lights for the Lawnmower.

If you knew my dad, it made sense.

Published December 19, 2007



Letters: published December 26, 2007 and January 9, 2008.



Broads with Balls

A not-so-comprehensive list.

Published December 5, 2007



Hit Me One More Time Baby

You thought your kid's Barney phase was bad?

Published November 21, 2007



HePorn, ShePorn, IPorn, YouPorn

That guy looks like--oh my god, I know him!

Published November 7, 2007.



Letter: published November 14, 2007



Get Your Freak On

Eyeballs and vampires and sluts oh my!

Published October 17, 2007.



Young and In Love and In Cleveland

Out of sight, but never out of mind.

Published October 3, 2007.



Wear it Well

An open letter to the person who stole my hat.

Published September 19, 2007.



Letters: published September 26, 2007 and October 3, 2007.



Corn Chowder to Swear By

She boiled the ears and saw that it was good.

Published September 5, 2007



Letter: published September 19, 2007.



The Car You Are

We are defined by the four-wheeled company we keep.

Published August 22, 2007.



Google Me

We are what we ask? I hope not.

Published August 8, 2007



Water and Steel, Concrete and Earth

The underside of Cleveland's past and present.

Published July 25, 2007



Letter: published August 22, 2007.



Sympathetic Vampire

Feeding on a summer evening.

Published July 11, 2007



Banner Yet Waves

Stretched and tear-stained, but still beautiful.

Published June 27, 2007



The Beer Test

Or, how to find the perfect husband in a can of warm Stroh's.

Published June 13, 2007



Guys and Dolls

Who pays thousands for lifelike sex toys? You'd be surprised.

Published May 30, 2007



Letters: published June 6, 2007; and July 18, 2007.



Infomercial: A Love Story

Yes, I have called in the next ten minutes. No, I am not a size 4 yet.

Published May 9, 2007



Deflowering Barbie

The transformation from perfect to tawdry occurs with shocking speed.

Published April 17, 2007



An Ohio Yankee in King Larry's Court

Heading to Mississippi to pay her last respects

Published April 4, 2007



Big Girl Shoes

The night gets deeper and hazier. Ankles get wobbly. Straps get loose.

Published March 21, 2007



Kiss Me, I'm Irish

But not Catholic, and where I'm from, that's just plain weird.

Published March 7, 2007



Letter: published March 14, 2007




Human connections through concrete and metal.

Published February 21, 2007



Letter: published February 28, 2007



Ode to Trans Fat

The silent, delicious killer.

Published January 31, 2007



Girls Next Door No More

Playboy distorts (and enlarges and airbrushes) reality.

Published January 24, 2007



Before the Court of Wikipedia

Why the people's encyclopedia ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Published January 10, 2007



Letter: published January 31, 2007



Bad Airline Ticket Counter Guy

Say little, expect less.

Published December 27, 2006



Santasaurus Rex

Cutesy giants stalk the suburbs.

Published December 12, 2006



Letters: published January 3, 2007.



"In the Word" with the Salvation Army Man

Sometimes, very briefly, faith can be contagious.

Published November 29, 2006



Righteous Hungarian Secret of Cucumbers

"Hey Sugar Baby? Whyontcha come on and gimme a hand with these?"

Published November 8, 2006



Letters: published November 15, 2006.



Morning Shift

Will the sun ever come up? What if it does?

Published October 11, 2006



Letters: published October 18, 2006, November 1, 2006, and April 2, 2008.



An Open Letter to Mike Rowe

A challenge for the Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs host: the dirtiest job around.

Published September 27, 2006




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